Monday, February 20, 2012

Conversations

      I watched an old episode of Northern Exposure last night in which 30 year old Maggie encounters her 15 year old self (imagination runs amok in this Alaskan town sometimes).  Maggie's 15 year old self was mortified when she realized who Maggie had become at the ripe old age of 30.  This older Maggie was no where near what the younger Maggie thought she would be.  Younger Maggie had assumed that older Maggie would have a prestigious  law practice and would be married, with two beautiful children and blended into the genteel life of Grosse Point,  Michigan.  Maggie the elder does not see the need to ever get married, may or may not have children and loves her adventurous life as a bush pilot in remote Alaska.  My, how people change. Naturally, the episode set me to thinking about how such an encounter would go in my life.


      I turned 15 the year Martin Luther King Jr and Robert Kennedy were assassinated.  This was the year after San Francisco's Summer of Love - a summer also known as the Long, Hot Summer for the race riots that battered the country.  I was an aware 15 year old, who paid attention to politics and even thought about politics as a career. I watched the Democratic Convention in Chicago with fascination and was shocked by the riots.  I was already inclined towards pacifism and anti-war activities  and, at 15, I was idealistic and, yes, naive.  Who isn't at 15?  And, in those years, it was hard to be a thoughtful young person and not get pulled into the fray.  After all, you weren't supposed to trust anyone over 30.

     But, beyond that political awareness, I can't tell you who or what I wanted to be at 15.  I don't think I thought much about getting married, though I am sure I assumed that I would have a family.  I am sure I assumed I would go to college but the details were vague.  My parents had not gone to college and there was no college account so I suspect I knew, as a 15 year old, that I would be going to the local public college and living at home.  It's odd for me to think about myself at 15.  I can only get a small glimpse of who I was and that is based on what I knew was going on in the world around me at the time.

     I suspect my 15 year old self would not have been too annoyed with my 30 year old self.  My world view at 15 was narrow so my 30 year old self (complete with college degrees, husband, house in town, and a VW Beetle of my own) would have impressed my younger self.   Would my 30 year old self approve of my 58 year old self?  You know, I think she would have but that's because even at 30 there was a TON of learning left to happen.  In much the same way that my 15 year old self was on the edge of an exiting leap into adulthood, my 30 year old self was sitting on the brink of a new life as well. Thirty was a new marriage, a new career twist, and the beginning of first time ever unprotected sex.  Babies, here we come!  At thirty, I thought I knew a thing or two and I am sure I did but there was so much more to learn.  I suspect 30 would find my 58 year old self acceptable though rather boring.  58 is a strong contributor to the community and 58 has done the hard work of parenting.  30 would enjoy 58 year old's children.  I don't see 58 as on the edge of change but that's where I might be surprised.  I wonder what 75 will think of 58?

6 comments:

  1. I don't think the lives we dream of at 15 really never turn out that way. Which, if you think about it, isn't such a bad thing. At 15 I was so immature and didn't know much about life. Naive and innocent, thinking then that love meant passion and life was successful if you made a lot of money . Now I know that love means compassion and sacrifice and life is successful if you love and people love you .

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    1. I don't think I ever even thought about love when I was 15. Or what it would take to have a successful life. 15 was all about making it through the school year with the strongest grades possible. It was also about being home with family in the evenings and on the weekends, babysitting for some money here and there and just being. I spent a lot of time doing homework, housework, childcare, and reading.

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  2. If you do not see 58 as on the brink of change, then you are the only one who does not. Your art is about to explode, and you are going to have to WORK full-time- painting. It's a tough job, but someone has to do it.

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    1. You are so funny, bro! I don't have the revelation waiting for me that you had at 58 - at least not that same kind of thing.. It's tough for me to imagine what might be coming next. Painting is a lovely idea but I don't see it changing my life.

      In yet another dream the other night , these words floated across the "screen" (literally): Don't mess with reality.

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  3. I've given a lot of thought to how the me of "then" (not always specifically 15, but...) would view the me of "now." It was especially acute around the time I got back in touch with Mr. High School. There's nothing quite like seeing someone you haven't see for 20 years to make you evaluate where you are vs where you planned or hoped to be.

    All that said, I do have the spiral notebooks to remind me that that 15-year-old really did not have big plans or even much of a clue. ;)

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    1. I wish I could see back on that 15 year old - that daily diary to which I referred somewhere is so incomplete. But so was that 15 year old. I really don't think she thought much about the future. She had all she could do to handle the present. She wanted to be an academic superstar ( that was worth a lot in the family culture) and she felt valuable taking care of home chores. She really didn't understand the concept of future (beyond the end of high school - that was all she understood b/c it was all she knew). Being on the planet a few years longer makes some difference, heh?

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